Again it gave her pleasure to be inside the room and unable to hear the sounds of her family living their lives. Again, the pleasure made her feel guilty.

There was nothing wrong with taking a break from them, but it could only be a short break. There were so many things she had to do. Every day it was like that. She could not afford to lose slices of time from her life. She needed to be careful that she was not away from the family for too long.

"Adam" she had called softly after leaving the room, the first time she had gone right in and closed the door. Outside was a different kind of silence from inside. "Becca?"

As she went along the hallway, she heard the drone of the television. Upstairs she found Becca asleep and Adam curled up in bed. "Night, Mum, " he whispered sleepily when she kissed him.

Mark had already switched off the television when she went into then living room. "Going to bed?" he asked. She looked over at the clock, already knowing that over an hour had passed while she stood in the room for a few minutes.

Before when she had found the room for then first time, she assumed she had made a mistake. She had not even gone into the room but only looked from the doorway. Afterwards she had gone to the airing cupboard on the landing to fetch a clean tea towel; back in the kitchen she found that twenty minutes had passed.

It was several months before she went into then room again. It was an indulgence: other people coped without a quiet place away from their families. And although she knew that it was not possible, could not be possible, the thought of losing time from her life terrified her. There were so many things she had to do.

When she did go in, dust covered all the surfaces, making their edges indistinct. She had not noticed it before, nor had she realised how unused the room seemed.

She spoke aloud. "What a waste." She had taken off her watch off in case she saw the hands spinning round frantically.

At her next regular check-up, the family doctor suggested she should find herself a hobby.

"An interest outside the home," he explained. "We all need our space."

He gave her a smile, looking into her eyes without seeing her.

She smiled back and nodded, but did not try to explain that she did not have time for her hobby. There were so many things she had to do. She said as much, her voice light; but she did not tell the doctor about then times that she stood in the same place for minutes on end, trying to remember the next thing she had to do.

Neither did she tell him about then occasions when Adam, or Becca, looked as though they were about to say something else when she had done something for them, but then only smiled and thanked her. She did not tell the doctor, either, about the evenings when only she and Mark were home and did not speak a sentence to one another that was not about the children.

Sometimes she would remember something, more clearly than she could remember Becca and Adam changing from children and teenagers. When they had started school and Marks career had begun to flourish, she had seen herself as a tide whose movements were controlled by the three moons. They moved brightly high above the earth, while the tide, bound to its surface, retreated and advanced, retreated and advanced, in response to their invisible pulls.

The next time she went into the room, she worked smoothly and efficiently, clearing the dust from all the surfaces. But there was so much for her to do, and it seemed to her that more dust settled even while she cleared it. It took a long time.

When she came out of the room, there was silence.

"Becca?" she called. "Adam?"

She waited. "Mark, are you there?"

There was no sound.

The End


Copyright Helen O'Shea 2000
All rights reserved. All characters are fictitious in this story and no reference is intended to any person living or otherwise.

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